Photo by Aditya Romans Curtesy of Upsplash
Author’s note: I really struggled with how to share this part of my experience with you. A part of me didn’t want to write about this at all. There are parts of it that still hurts my heart. I have decided to break up my experience into segments. Each segment represents a step in the process for me emotionally. I had thoughts and feelings I didn’t initially expect that I believe are important to share. Each happened in it’s own time. It is my wish to bring this to you in a genuine, open way as things unfolded for me.
Egg Donor Discussions are Challenging
“Should we use an egg donor?”. This seemingly simple question was the hardest one for my partner and me to answer. The only other decision that ranked up there with a similar complexity was “Should we try IVF?”. We resolved the IVF question when we realized that it was our best and maybe only chance to have a baby. Considering an egg donor took more time and honesty- both with ourselves and with each other- than any other decision.
It is important to note that through this entire process, honesty has been a priority for both of us. The IVF process can be a difficult, emotional, and sometimes lonely path. Sharing our thoughts and feelings, and taking care of of each other physically and emotionally has helped us feel like a team. We are in this together.
I don’t think we are alone in this. I say think, because very few people are talking about this part of the process at all. This is completely understandable. There is so much that goes into this emotionally, it can make it difficult to discuss. In my humble opinion, when faced with questions such as these, complete honesty and responding to each other’s concerns help ensure that there is no room for anger or resentment.
My Concerns on Using an Egg Donor
In the beginning, I did have some concerns. They were an argument for using an egg donor. My stance was that we had a problem. Here is a clear, actionable solution with good, reported results.
We are short on time.
When we had to make this decision, I was almost 47. My clinic will assist in IVF until the age of 52. That is their cutoff. The first step in our IVF Journey was to meet with a professional that was to help us on our path. I was discouraged from trying to retrieve my own to eggs see if I could produce any that were viable. While I was never told they would not attempt a retrieval, I was told it could take multiple cycles to get a good quality egg.
The chances of becoming pregnant with one of my own eggs via IVF is about 1%. During that meeting via zoom, I saw the person we were speaking with visibly cringe at the thought of me using my eggs to attempt to have a child. It hurt but was very telling that my low chances were not being exaggerated for the sake of an up sale. I licked my wounds and kept my focus. We wanted a baby. There were options.
Too many variables
Using my eggs meant that there would be a lot of unknowns. I would have to go through a couple of cycles to find out if we could come up with something viable. Who knew how many cycles (read here months) we would have to go through? Then we had to worry about fertilizing the eggs, waiting to see if we had any embryos, and then the transfer itself. The time that went into each step, including the embryo transfer, were a concern since we did not know how many tries it would take. All that for about a 1% success rate. (For more info on success rates with personal eggs versus donor eggs, check out Fertility, Infertility, and All that Jazz where you can see charts and resources.)
It felt selfish and like a waste of limited time and resources to force the issue trying to use my eggs to see if there was some that might look good enough to attempt fertilization. At that time, and even now, at 20 weeks pregnant, we are not sure if we are going to try for a second child. We will have to see how this pregnancy goes for us to know for sure. Until then, we have been- and continue to- strive to keep the option on the table.
This process is expensive.
I didn’t look into the price of egg retrieval at my clinic, but according to ModernFertility.com, the cost is between $500- $1,500. My clinic was probably closer to the higher end of things. I am one of the lucky ones in that my insurance would cover some of my costs. Unfortunately, they pick and choose what they will cover. Not to mention we didn’t have bottomless bank accounts to pull money from. If we were going to have a chance to pull this off financially, we were going to need to be savvy with how and where we invested our money. Using an egg donor sounded like the best investment.
His Concerns On Using an Egg Donor
My partner’s concerns matched mine with the additional concern being about genetics. He wanted mine to be a part of the equation. He was excited for what our genetics could cook up together and loved the idea of looking at our child and seeing my eyes looking back at him. I am lucky enough to have had children before now. But even if I hadn’t, I wanted this baby so much that I would have agreed anyway. I felt then, and believe now, that it was the only way a baby would happen for us.
Another concern was about whether or not I would be able to love a child that was not biologically mine. While I think this is a fair question for him to ask, for me it was a non-issue. I had loved many children in my lifetime as if they were my own. Furthermore, I knew myself. There is no way I could possibly nurture a tiny life in my womb, growing it from the size of a vanilla bean seed to the size of a pumpkin, with out loving it. Deeply. I reminded him that I had been thinking of fostering children and perhaps even adopting one someday. Our hearts have a beautiful way of surprising us with the amount of love we have to give.
Bringing it all together
This was a really stressful time for me. I was worried that if this was our only option that it would be a deal breaker for us. As it turns out, he was worried about the same thing. Once he felt reassured that I was ok, and felt comfortable with using an egg donor, if felt like nothing could stop us.
The next step on our journey was to inform the clinic with our choice and see where to go from there. Join us on our IVF journey, soon to be posted!
